They Wish They Were Us by Jessica Goodman

Author:Jessica Goodman [Goodman, Jessica]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 9780593114308
Google: Hly9DwAAQBAJ
Amazon: 0593114299
Publisher: Penguin
Published: 2020-08-03T16:00:00+00:00

FOURTEEN

WAKING UP ON Monday morning is like emerging from a fog. It only takes a second before I remember what I have done, the line I have drawn, and who I have to face in just a few hours. No one has spoken to me since Road Rally. Not Jared, who stayed locked in his room yesterday, faking sick. Not Nikki, whose absence I already feel deep in my stomach. Not even sweet Henry, who I thought, out of everyone, might have my back and ask to talk it out.

The enormity of my decision has pushed aside any worries I had about paying for Brown, about Graham, Rachel, or Shaila, and I inhale, sipping shallow breaths. No one has ever quit the Players before. No one has come close. But I don’t feel like a pioneer. I feel lost and abandoned, even though I’m the one who did the leaving. I wonder if I overreacted, if the Jell-O shots and the cold made me so mad. If I made something that was just so not about me . . . totally about me.

But when I remember the photos, my baby brother’s flesh bleeding into someone else’s, and then seeing him laugh at Sierra, the sting of betrayal beats into my brain. Marla would freak if we ever made a pass at one of her brothers. Siblings are a no-go. Incorruptible. And Jared is becoming someone different. Someone who scares me, who reminds me of that terrible night and how the boys’ presence dominated everything they touched. Someone I recognize and hate.

So instead of making amends, I reach for my phone with shaky hands. I pull up Rachel’s texts before I can convince myself not to. I look at our last exchange and conjure the smell of her apartment, of her new life. It feels like a doorway. Responding doesn’t mean forgiving, I think.

I squeeze my eyes together and hold my breath, trying to summon Shaila, willing her to let me know if she approves, if she, too, would cave to curiosity, the possibility of redemption. I let all the air whoosh out of my mouth and try to find Shaila’s voice within my own. What would Shaila do?

There’s no time to know. Mom beats a fist on my door. “Henry’s here! You’re gonna be late!”

I exhale and my heart steadies. Someone’s still on my side. Henry just needed some time to cool off. But he’s back. We’re good. So, I pull on my Gold Coast uniform, even though it feels like a straitjacket, and push through the front door, where Bruce idles in the driveway. Just another Monday. I’m still Jill Newman, I tell myself. No one can take that away from me.

I heave my backpack into Bruce and climb in.

“Hey,” I say.

“Hi.”

“For a second I thought you weren’t going to talk to me again.” Tears prick my eyes. I didn’t know I needed this. Him. But I do. I so do.

“I thought about it,” he says. His face is round and forgiving and the edges of his mouth turn downward.

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